The Dossier Effect

I found out this weekend from a friend boy (friend boy=boy that is not a boyfriend) of mine that there is a certain protocol to dating. A protocol, eh? Wow.

Part of his protocol? When he meets a new girl and puts her in his… uh, “dossier,” he sends three texts and/or calls sober. Then, if the girl doesn’t respond, said girl gets moved to the drunk-dial file. After three texts and/or calls drunk, said girl gets moved out of the phone/dossier.

I must say. My friend is very persistent.

I wonder if all guys keep a dossier and what their particular protocol is. I must investigate…

Men Aren’t Jerks: Chase

This post is meant to supplement my hypothesis that men aren’t jerks. Read the original post.

Met Chase on a Friday night and the following events occurred:

- He asked me to come home with him (I said no).

- He asked me to “go get a pen” so he could write down my number (I said no).

- He gave me HIS number because he didn’t have HIS phone with him. Okay fine.

- He kissed me in the middle of the bar. That’s wasn’t my typical style (but okay fine).

- I called him (3 days later, as the rule states) and he asked me out for the next night.

- We went out.

- Not only did he bring up his ex-girlfriend before we even ordered dinner, but he brought her up again no less than 3 times during dinner. Also, thanks for sharing that tidbit about how you moved to this city for her, Mr. Imnotoverheryet.

- I continued to drink A LOT of Sake.

- He gave me a peck on the lips, left my place, and we never talked again.

Why he did what he did:

He didn’t know what he wanted.

How he could have handled it better:

How about – don’t talk about your ex? I mean, unless a girl asks about your ex (and she won’t), don’t talk about her. Okay thanks.

However, I’ll give him credit for giving up on me completely. Thank you for not drunk dialing me or trying to get in my pants again.

What I found out later:

I didn’t really find anything out later.

Lesson Learned:

Looking back, I realized that this guy wanted me to come home with him after knowing me for less than 5 minutes, kissed me in a bar, and talked about his ex-girlfriend. Can we say REBOUND?

Men Aren’t Jerks: Anthony

This post is meant to supplement my hypothesis that men aren’t jerks. Read the original post.

Over the course of 3 years, Anthony committed the following jerk crimes:

- Lied about hanging out with other girls

- Broke up with me only to beg for me back a couple months later

- Used my credit card without my permission, had me buy dinner on my birthday, and told me he “needed”  the $100 I got back for selling my textbooks and that he’d pay me back (shocking: he never did).

Why he did what he did:

He didn’t know what he wanted

How he could have handled it better:

The financial stuff was jerky. I don’t know how he could have handled it differently besides paying me back or maybe never borrowing money in the first place!

Not lied.

Been up front about wanting to see other people because he didn’t know what he wanted.

What I found out later:

A couple years after we broke up, he apologized for everything he did. He said he took me for granted and that he wished he could have been able to treat me better. It was too little, too late, but I

Lesson Learned:

Don’t wait around for closure. Don’t let someone walk all over you. They may admit you treated them well in the future, but how about standing up for yourself in the present?

Also, just because someone is dating you, doesn’t mean they get access to your bank account. It’s not “what’s yours is mine” until you say “I do.”

Never let someone come back unless you are sure they’ve earned a place there. Letting someone back into your life easily lets them know that you are a push over and they can just leave and come back as they please.

Trust your instincts.

Men Aren’t Jerks: Bobby

This post is to supplement my hypothesis that men aren’t jerks – read the original post.

Over the course of several months, Bobby committed the following jerk crimes:

- Broke things off and lied about why (“it’s not you – it’s everything I have on my plate”)

- Proceeded to invite me out with his friends the very next day and get a girl’s number in front of me

- Said “I love you” drunk, sober, and in an attempt to sleep with me

- Repeatedly blew me off

Why he did what he did:

He didn’t know what he wanted

How he could have handled it better:

Been honest about WHY he was ending things. That way, he wouldn’t have had to push me further away by getting another girl’s number in front of me.

I don’t know about the I love you stuff. Men think with the wrong part of their body sometimes.

What I found out later:

He was still talking to an exgirlfriend – the “love of his life.” They were apparently talking about giving it one more shot.

Lesson Learned:

Don’t give out second, third, fourth, fifth, etc chances. Trust your instincts. No guy should ever tell you he loves you unless you two are in an exclusive relationship or are just friends. No guy who is worth your time will avoid you and blow you off. They’ll want to hang out with you.

This just in: Men aren’t jerks!

They just happen to leave a lot of casualties laying around when they are trying to figure out what they want…

I’m starting to really, really believe this. I’ve told myself this for a long time in order for me to not lose faith in the opposite sex. Looking back, it does appear that MOST men don’t mean to hurt girls. They just end up doing so. Think about it – they avoid confrontation, avoid honesty because they don’t want to see us cry, the list goes on. Is this right? Probably not. But – I think it’s an explanation for their behavior and the spiking of Ben & Jerry’s sales on February 14th.

The Who Cares Less Game: New Play At Home Version Now Available!

This is pretty much THE stupidest thing ever brought into the world of dating (and quasi-dating for those of you who aren’t exactly sure how to define the status of your interactions with the opposite sex). I’m a fan of games – I love Trivial Pursuit, poker, and the occasional solitaire on my computer. And yes, I do watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy because I enjoy my puzzles and love it when questions are asked in the form of an answer. It’s all backwards and it intrigues me.

However, the “Who Cares Less?” game is not a game I enjoy. I’d rather play bridge. I think I’d understand bridge better.

You may be wondering what exactly the “Who Cares Less?” game entails. It’s rather easy to play. Set-up is not complicated at all. There are no dice. The odds are stacked against you, however, and once you begin it can become “toxically addictive” (note: “toxically addictive” is a new phrase I made up, so be sure to cite me if you ever reference it from this day forward).

Have you ever ignored someone not because you didn’t want to talk to them, but because you did? Have you ever counted down exactly two hours, forty six minutes, and fifty-three seconds from the time he called before calling back because you wanted him to think you weren’t thinking about him? Have you ever scaled down an original text message response from five-hundred-and-seventy-three words to simply “yep” in an effort to disguise your true feelings?

The concept is a bit hysterical, actually. I feel like this behavior only hurts you more and you end up over-analyzing every single conversation (or part conversation) you have! Think about it: a guy calls you. You don’t answer as to inflict doubt in his mind (or your reasoning goes something like that). He texts you and you meticulously analyze every word, letter, even punctuation point in an effort to delve deep into the “mind of man” (do you think he used a comma there because he is using me for sex? Does the exclamation point mean he wants to have red velvet cake at our wedding?) He sends you an email and you call your girlfriend and ask her to reread it – or he leaves a voicemail and all your roommates hear it on speakerphone and you wonder about his tone or his choice of words. No matter which medium he uses to contact you, the underlying theme is “there must be some cryptic message we’re missing!” You conclude whatever it is you conclude (which never makes ANY sense by the way). Yep, I’m sure it’s embedded deep within subliminally. In fact, if you play the voicemail backwards, it will tell you how he really feels.

Certainly, on the other end, your guy could be doing one of two things. He could be inflicting his friends with the same type of agony of over-analyzing all your correspondences. Or, he could be drinking beer with his friends while preoccupied with a football game and his laptop open to check on his fantasy football picks (more likely). Face it - your guy is no Dan Brown, this isn’t the Da Vinci Code, and seriously – get over it. If you want to write someone a text message, write them a text message. If you want to call, call them. Why is it we have to participate in some game of “you like me more” in order to keep the upper hand? Apparently it’s just another game we have to play. Like, Scrabble with your grandma. She doesn’t even know she’s playing, you have to let her win, and nothing is ever accomplished in the end (except you wonder if “bee’s knees” should really count as a double word score).

**Exception to this rule (shocking evidence uncovered!): Recently, I have had the unfortunate role as confidante to a guy friend who’s only major malfunction is playing this game like a girl. So I have to wonder if they do engage in this activity, too, from time to time. Said guy friend calls me up, inflicts the same pain of overusing “what if” statements (as in ” What if I don’t call her and she wanted me to call her?” or “I don’t want her to think I’m always free whenever she wants me but what if this is the only day she’s free?”) There were a couple of other questions but I’m fairly sure they were too ridiculous for print. I told him he sounded like a girl and promptly hung up on him.

Hindsight is 20/20: foresight is “THE DEALBREAKER”

The other day I was out at a happy hour, pencil and paper in hand, ready to pick the brains of my non-suspecting friends (and their co-workers). Dealbreakers. Red Flags. Then, someone asked the difference. The difference? That’s easy. Hindsight is 20/20? Well, foresight is the dealbreaker.

Aw, the dealbreaker. Talked about and referenced in many conversations at bars throughout the country.

“Dude, no way, she has three cats – total dealbreaker!”
Or:
“I was really interested in him but then I found out he lived with his mom… DEALBREAKER!”

Dealbreakers can be pretty obvious like the examples above, but typically they are more subtle in nature and have to do with an individual’s tolerance. It could be eye color, religious background, political preferences, or even taste in music. These are things that makes a person write someone else off IMMEDIATELY or before any real feelings have a chance to develop.

So what makes a red flag? The short answer is this: the one thing that, when reflecting on the demise of a relationship, stands out to you. Sure, red flags can come up during the beginning of a relationship, but the difference is that people typically ignore them until its too late. Oh, his mom left him when he was 2? It’s probably fine. Only months later does it surface that said incident has left a hole in his heart that only misogyny can fill.

I’ll give some examples between the two:

Red Flag:
His mom left him when he was 2.
Dealbreaker:
He still lives with his mother

Red Flag:
His dad locked him in a closet when he was younger.
Dealbreaker:
He just came out of the closet

Red Flag:
He’s never had a girlfriend
Dealbreaker:
He already has a girlfriend

Red Flag:
He has a tan line from a wedding ring
Dealbreaker:
He’s engaged or married

Guys, I don’t want to leave you out:

Dealbreaker:
She has a couple cats
Red Flag:
She calls them her children

Sure, the line between these two is blurry and certainly they can sometimes be interchangeable, but typically we don’t ignore dealbreakers as a rule. They leave us running whereas red flags leave us saying “Duh” in the end.

Here’s a Tip for Men…

… ”I like you Jealous. Just don’t Read my E-mail.”

There’s a thin line between being a jealous boyfriend and being a crazy lunatic (and turning into an ex-boyfriend). We like jealous, we hate crazy.

We wander away at a bar and we get hit on? You should react. You should not read our e-mail.

We talk about a co-worker who we hang out with and who happens to be of the opposite sex? You should react. You should not dig through our trash.

We run into an old boyfriend from 8 years ago while out with you? You should react. You should not hire “Cheaters” to investigate.

My point is this: every girl wants to feel wanted. Sure, we may say – “OMG! You are acting outrageous! We’re just friends! Stop being overly jealous!” and pretend to get mad. However, deep down, we like the attention. We like that it somewhat irks you that another guy thinks we’re hot. We feel like you feel lucky and that makes us feel lucky. If you don’t react ENOUGH, we think you don’t care. Sure, you may trust us, but we like to be humored on this particular topic. Trust me.

On the other hand, however, you can cross the line and become overly jealous to the point where it’s just ridiculous. LIke, reading our e-mail. Not necessary. If you think your girl is hiding something, either you’re incredibly insecure or you really can’t trust her (you should probably call Dr. Phil in either case. Or a real psychologist). Also off the list of “okay things to do to show you care?” Jealous rages. Yelling. Freaking out. Anything that is just crazy. Leave the crazy irrational behavior to us (kidding ladies!).

So walk that thin line and let the green in you show a bit next time your girl gets attention from the opposite sex. She’ll like it. I promise.

 

You can’t change someone, but you can buy a Mr. Potato Head.

A friend of mine bought me a Mr. Potato Head a couple Christmas-es ago. He’s all decked out in the perfect gear. Ball cap backwards, glasses on top of his head, his “angry eyes” packed away in his storage compartment, never to be seen. Just like the perfect man (well, the perfect man would have more of a body, but I digress). If I get sick of that ball cap, I can just make him wear another hat. I can change him.

That same friend who bought me said novelty item inspired this article. There’s this phenomenon I like to call the “Mr. Potato Head Effect” that seems to come up every once and a while in the dating world. I’ve come across it before and I’m sure I’ll come across it again. But it never really clicked in my mind as a problem until she called me crying one day. The guy she had been on-again, off-again dating (“dating”) for almost a year had told her the night before something absolutely ridiculous. He told her what she needed to change about herself in order for them to have a real releationship. Oh yes, you read that right. What she needed to do. And no, she’s not a meth-head who abuses her boyfriends.

“As soon as you quit smoking…”
“As soon as you get a better job…”

When she pried for more information on the matter, he said he just wanted to see her reach her highest potential. That’s all well and good, but holding a relationship over someone’s head isn’t a healthy way to reward kicking a nicotine addiction. Can you imagine the praise when she quit? “Hooray! You have successfully lowered your risk for lung cancer AND we can date now!”

I interrupted her. “As soon as you turn into a different person? You’re not a Mrs. Potato Head doll! He can’t just take you for part of who you are!”

Here’s the thing: you can’t like someone conditionally! You may be able to change someone, but it is almost never consciously. It seldom works when you set out to make someone different (unless you’re mentoring inner-city school children. In which case you’re sick if you want to date any one of your mentees so step away from the computer and get some help).

You can’t change someone and if you do believe in conditional feelings, please, I implore you to go to Toys R’ Us and get your own Mr./Mrs. Potato Head. You can make them look the way you want them to look. Hell, you can even put away their “angry eyes.”

“never date a hamburger when a steak is on the way…”

I’ll be the first to admit that I have no business giving ANYONE advice about dating. My friends always ask for advice, I give it, and they don’t listen. So, when one of my friends started referencing an analogy I came up with during one long marathon phone call about a recent guy (a hamburger), I got excited. Hey! Maybe I DO have some advice in me. Sadly, though, its not really “advice” per se as much as an observation.

Reporters spend their days out in the field gathering information to forward onto the public. They are mainly objective, but that doesn’t mean a subjective comment or opinion doesn’t get through every now and then. Even then, they never hype themselves up as aficionados. I’m like a reporter. Bars and clubs are my “field.” So my duty, dear public, is to report back to you what I see happening. The nuances of dating. Thus, I begin this, “The Hamburger Project,” my collection of dating essays and observations.