Men Aren’t Jerks: Derek

This post is meant to supplement my hypothesis that men aren’t jerks. Read the original post.

I dated Derek for 6 months (read: we were not exclusive). Check out this chronology:

- We hit it off early. He was WAY into me. In fact, he told a mutual friend he thought that I could be “the one” (he never knew I knew about that, by the way).

- After three months, he decided he didn’t want to lose me but he didn’t want a girlfriend either. He briefly entertained the idea of exclusivity to his friends (again, he never knew I knew that).

- He decided he wasn’t ready. I expected him to bring it up because of what I had heard. He didn’t.

- He started talking to/messing around with someone else while we were dating. I found out. I didn’t tell him I knew about her because I didn’t want to force the issue.

- They fizzled out. He said he’d never be able to like her as much as he liked me. He also told me he wasn’t seeing anyone else and wasn’t looking for anyone else, but still couldn’t be my boyfriend. I was okay with that because we seemed to be progressing again. Until…

- He started talking to the other girl again. He entertained the idea of seeing her again, until he realized it was a bad idea. But he kept seeing talking to her… “as a friend,” he said.

- After six months, he told me he couldn’t lead me on anymore. He said he wasn’t ready for any sort of commitment to anybody.

Why he did what he did:

He didn’t know what he wanted.

How he could have handled it better:

While he was honest – he did tell me about her, he only did so after he stopped seeing her (the first time). And again after he figured out he didn’t want to mess things up with us and stopped talking to her the second time.  He kept telling me that he didn’t like her as much as he liked me. He had to be around her (they had a mutual social activity), and knowing about her made me skeptical everytime he participated in said social activity. Especially since I was not involved in said social activity. He didn’t do anything to ease my fears, which basically meant to me that my fears were reality.

What I found out later:

I’m pretty sure he’s started seeing the “other girl” again after he broke things off with me.

Lesson Learned:

I think about times when he made excuses or times he could have been hanging out with her and I wonder how I could have been so dumb. Hindsight is 20/20, but I made excuses for him and rationalized everything he did. “He’s just not ready” and “He’s going through a hard time” are things I told my friends.

So what did she do right? She probably didn’t pressure him. Not that I did – but since we started going down a path towards a relationship so soon, we both were wondering why we weren’t progressing. He was fullcourtpress from day 1 and I ran with that because I liked that he was so into me. That should have been my first red flag. It takes time to be into someone and if they fall too fast, more than likely, there’s going to be a crash and burn. Maybe not always, but I will be careful with that from now on. Their relationship, evolving slower, was probably more comfortable and less scary to him. I guarantee they’ve never had “the talk,” but they probably spend enough time with each other that their relationship is implied. Because if you are talking to someone everyday and hanging out a lot, it’s pretty much a done deal. And if you need a talk, you probably need to get out of the relationship.

Also, trust your instincts. My journal from this period in my life is full of doubt. I knew better, I really did. I should have been out of there by month three. But I kept telling myself – one day I will wake up and not care or he will.

Finally, walk away. Know when to fold ‘em. I did wake up one day and not care. But I still wanted to care. I had to let that go.

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