This post is meant to supplement my hypothesis that men aren’t jerks. Read the original post.

Garrett and I met on Valentine’s Day in a bar in my college town. He was still in school (I had recently graduated), clicked, made out, and exchanged numbers. We talked a few times until the end of the semester. About a year later, he friend requested me on Myspace (back when Myspace was cool) and we kept in touch as friends (I was dating someone else). Garrett was in the Army, so he was away in the Middle East and we wrote each other a lot (especially after it didn’t work out with the ‘someone else’). When he was done with his 2 year tour, he made plans to visit me in California.

- He flew me up to Seattle, where he lived, twice.

- We talked a lot. He sent me romantic texts. He confided in me all his experiences overseas.

- He told me he appreciated me writing him and that he would never forget it, no matter what happened with us.

- The second visit to Seattle, he told me he had a lot on his plate. He acted distant. Introduced me as his “friend.”

- Eventually, he stopped calling.

Why he did what he did:

He didn’t know what he wanted.

How he could have handled it better:

He should have just flat out told me – I don’t want a girlfriend right now. He had just gotten back from spending almost two years of his life in a hellhole, was adjusting to life back in the States, and yes, he did have a lot on his plate.  But with everything we had been through, he should have just been honest with me and told me that he didn’t want a relationship right now and that anything he could offer now wouldn’t be fair to me. Instead, he did the classic “fade away” which was the coward thing to do.

What I found out later:

He emailed me about a year and a half after the last time we saw each other. Said he was sorry. Said he realized he was wrong and that he hopes that I have found someone better than him. I had moved on, but it was nice to hear that he realized how unfair he was.

Lesson Learned:

Don’t confuse a romantic story with real romance. Don’t hold onto someone who doesn’t communicate fully with you on how they feel. Don’t be with anyone who isn’t being fair to you, no matter how much you want it to work out.

Part of his protocol? When he meets a new girl and puts her in his… uh, “dossier,” he sends three texts and/or calls sober. Then, if the girl doesn’t respond, said girl gets moved to the drunk-dial file. After three texts and/or calls drunk, said girl gets moved out of the phone/dossier.

I must say. My friend is very persistent.

I wonder if all guys keep a dossier and what their particular protocol is. I must investigate…

I dated Derek for 6 months (read: we were not exclusive). Check out this chronology:

- We hit it off early. He was WAY into me. In fact, he told a mutual friend he thought that I could be “the one” (he never knew I knew about that, by the way).

- After three months, he decided he didn’t want to lose me but he didn’t want a girlfriend either. He briefly entertained the idea of exclusivity to his friends (again, he never knew I knew that).

- He decided he wasn’t ready. I expected him to bring it up because of what I had heard. He didn’t.

- He started talking to/messing around with someone else while we were dating. I found out. I didn’t tell him I knew about her because I didn’t want to force the issue.

- They fizzled out. He said he’d never be able to like her as much as he liked me. He also told me he wasn’t seeing anyone else and wasn’t looking for anyone else, but still couldn’t be my boyfriend. I was okay with that because we seemed to be progressing again. Until…

- He started talking to the other girl again. He entertained the idea of seeing her again, until he realized it was a bad idea. But he kept seeing talking to her… “as a friend,” he said.

- After six months, he told me he couldn’t lead me on anymore. He said he wasn’t ready for any sort of commitment to anybody.

Why he did what he did:

He didn’t know what he wanted.

How he could have handled it better:

While he was honest – he did tell me about her, he only did so after he stopped seeing her (the first time). And again after he figured out he didn’t want to mess things up with us and stopped talking to her the second time.  He kept telling me that he didn’t like her as much as he liked me. He had to be around her (they had a mutual social activity), and knowing about her made me skeptical everytime he participated in said social activity. Especially since I was not involved in said social activity. He didn’t do anything to ease my fears, which basically meant to me that my fears were reality.

What I found out later:

I’m pretty sure he’s started seeing the “other girl” again after he broke things off with me.

Lesson Learned:

I think about times when he made excuses or times he could have been hanging out with her and I wonder how I could have been so dumb. Hindsight is 20/20, but I made excuses for him and rationalized everything he did. “He’s just not ready” and “He’s going through a hard time” are things I told my friends.

So what did she do right? She probably didn’t pressure him. Not that I did – but since we started going down a path towards a relationship so soon, we both were wondering why we weren’t progressing. He was fullcourtpress from day 1 and I ran with that because I liked that he was so into me. That should have been my first red flag. It takes time to be into someone and if they fall too fast, more than likely, there’s going to be a crash and burn. Maybe not always, but I will be careful with that from now on. Their relationship, evolving slower, was probably more comfortable and less scary to him. I guarantee they’ve never had “the talk,” but they probably spend enough time with each other that their relationship is implied. Because if you are talking to someone everyday and hanging out a lot, it’s pretty much a done deal. And if you need a talk, you probably need to get out of the relationship.

Also, trust your instincts. My journal from this period in my life is full of doubt. I knew better, I really did. I should have been out of there by month three. But I kept telling myself – one day I will wake up and not care or he will.

Finally, walk away. Know when to fold ‘em. I did wake up one day and not care. But I still wanted to care. I had to let that go.

Met Chase on a Friday night and the following events occurred:

- He asked me to come home with him (I said no).

- He asked me to “go get a pen” so he could write down my number (I said no).

- He gave me HIS number because he didn’t have HIS phone with him. Okay fine.

- He kissed me in the middle of the bar. That’s wasn’t my typical style (but okay fine).

- I called him (3 days later, as the rule states) and he asked me out for the next night.

- We went out.

- Not only did he bring up his ex-girlfriend before we even ordered dinner, but he brought her up again no less than 3 times during dinner. Also, thanks for sharing that tidbit about how you moved to this city for her, Mr. Imnotoverheryet.

- I continued to drink A LOT of Sake.

- He gave me a peck on the lips, left my place, and we never talked again.

Why he did what he did:

He didn’t know what he wanted.

How he could have handled it better:

How about – don’t talk about your ex? I mean, unless a girl asks about your ex (and she won’t), don’t talk about her. Okay thanks.

However, I’ll give him credit for giving up on me completely. Thank you for not drunk dialing me or trying to get in my pants again.

What I found out later:

I didn’t really find anything out later.

Lesson Learned:

Looking back, I realized that this guy wanted me to come home with him after knowing me for less than 5 minutes, kissed me in a bar, and talked about his ex-girlfriend. Can we say REBOUND?

Over the course of 3 years, Anthony committed the following jerk crimes:

- Lied about hanging out with other girls

- Broke up with me only to beg for me back a couple months later

- Used my credit card without my permission, had me buy dinner on my birthday, and told me he “needed”  the $100 I got back for selling my textbooks and that he’d pay me back (shocking: he never did).

Why he did what he did:

He didn’t know what he wanted

How he could have handled it better:

The financial stuff was jerky. I don’t know how he could have handled it differently besides paying me back or maybe never borrowing money in the first place!

Not lied.

Been up front about wanting to see other people because he didn’t know what he wanted.

What I found out later:

A couple years after we broke up, he apologized for everything he did. He said he took me for granted and that he wished he could have been able to treat me better. It was too little, too late, but I

Lesson Learned:

Don’t wait around for closure. Don’t let someone walk all over you. They may admit you treated them well in the future, but how about standing up for yourself in the present?

Also, just because someone is dating you, doesn’t mean they get access to your bank account. It’s not “what’s yours is mine” until you say “I do.”

Never let someone come back unless you are sure they’ve earned a place there. Letting someone back into your life easily lets them know that you are a push over and they can just leave and come back as they please.

Trust your instincts.

Over the course of several months, Bobby committed the following jerk crimes:

- Broke things off and lied about why (“it’s not you – it’s everything I have on my plate”)

- Proceeded to invite me out with his friends the very next day and get a girl’s number in front of me

- Said “I love you” drunk, sober, and in an attempt to sleep with me

- Repeatedly blew me off

Why he did what he did:

He didn’t know what he wanted

How he could have handled it better:

Been honest about WHY he was ending things. That way, he wouldn’t have had to push me further away by getting another girl’s number in front of me.

I don’t know about the I love you stuff. Men think with the wrong part of their body sometimes.

What I found out later:

He was still talking to an exgirlfriend – the “love of his life.” They were apparently talking about giving it one more shot.

Lesson Learned:

Don’t give out second, third, fourth, fifth, etc chances. Trust your instincts. No guy should ever tell you he loves you unless you two are in an exclusive relationship or are just friends. No guy who is worth your time will avoid you and blow you off. They’ll want to hang out with you.

I’m starting to really, really believe this. I’ve told myself this for a long time in order for me to not lose faith in the opposite sex. Looking back, it does appear that MOST men don’t mean to hurt girls. They just end up doing so. Think about it – they avoid confrontation, avoid honesty because they don’t want to see us cry, the list goes on. Is this right? Probably not. But – I think it’s an explanation for their behavior and the spiking of Ben & Jerry’s sales on February 14th.

However, the “Who Cares Less?” game is not a game I enjoy. I’d rather play bridge. I think I’d understand bridge better.

You may be wondering what exactly the “Who Cares Less?” game entails. It’s rather easy to play. Set-up is not complicated at all. There are no dice. The odds are stacked against you, however, and once you begin it can become “toxically addictive” (note: “toxically addictive” is a new phrase I made up, so be sure to cite me if you ever reference it from this day forward).

Have you ever ignored someone not because you didn’t want to talk to them, but because you did? Have you ever counted down exactly two hours, forty six minutes, and fifty-three seconds from the time he called before calling back because you wanted him to think you weren’t thinking about him? Have you ever scaled down an original text message response from five-hundred-and-seventy-three words to simply “yep” in an effort to disguise your true feelings?

The concept is a bit hysterical, actually. I feel like this behavior only hurts you more and you end up over-analyzing every single conversation (or part conversation) you have! Think about it: a guy calls you. You don’t answer as to inflict doubt in his mind (or your reasoning goes something like that). He texts you and you meticulously analyze every word, letter, even punctuation point in an effort to delve deep into the “mind of man” (do you think he used a comma there because he is using me for sex? Does the exclamation point mean he wants to have red velvet cake at our wedding?) He sends you an email and you call your girlfriend and ask her to reread it – or he leaves a voicemail and all your roommates hear it on speakerphone and you wonder about his tone or his choice of words. No matter which medium he uses to contact you, the underlying theme is “there must be some cryptic message we’re missing!” You conclude whatever it is you conclude (which never makes ANY sense by the way). Yep, I’m sure it’s embedded deep within subliminally. In fact, if you play the voicemail backwards, it will tell you how he really feels.

Certainly, on the other end, your guy could be doing one of two things. He could be inflicting his friends with the same type of agony of over-analyzing all your correspondences. Or, he could be drinking beer with his friends while preoccupied with a football game and his laptop open to check on his fantasy football picks (more likely). Face it - your guy is no Dan Brown, this isn’t the Da Vinci Code, and seriously – get over it. If you want to write someone a text message, write them a text message. If you want to call, call them. Why is it we have to participate in some game of “you like me more” in order to keep the upper hand? Apparently it’s just another game we have to play. Like, Scrabble with your grandma. She doesn’t even know she’s playing, you have to let her win, and nothing is ever accomplished in the end (except you wonder if “bee’s knees” should really count as a double word score).

**Exception to this rule (shocking evidence uncovered!): Recently, I have had the unfortunate role as confidante to a guy friend who’s only major malfunction is playing this game like a girl. So I have to wonder if they do engage in this activity, too, from time to time. Said guy friend calls me up, inflicts the same pain of overusing “what if” statements (as in ” What if I don’t call her and she wanted me to call her?” or “I don’t want her to think I’m always free whenever she wants me but what if this is the only day she’s free?”) There were a couple of other questions but I’m fairly sure they were too ridiculous for print. I told him he sounded like a girl and promptly hung up on him.

Aw, the dealbreaker. Talked about and referenced in many conversations at bars throughout the country.

“Dude, no way, she has three cats – total dealbreaker!”
Or:
“I was really interested in him but then I found out he lived with his mom… DEALBREAKER!”

Dealbreakers can be pretty obvious like the examples above, but typically they are more subtle in nature and have to do with an individual’s tolerance. It could be eye color, religious background, political preferences, or even taste in music. These are things that makes a person write someone else off IMMEDIATELY or before any real feelings have a chance to develop.

So what makes a red flag? The short answer is this: the one thing that, when reflecting on the demise of a relationship, stands out to you. Sure, red flags can come up during the beginning of a relationship, but the difference is that people typically ignore them until its too late. Oh, his mom left him when he was 2? It’s probably fine. Only months later does it surface that said incident has left a hole in his heart that only misogyny can fill.

I’ll give some examples between the two:

Red Flag:
His mom left him when he was 2.
Dealbreaker:
He still lives with his mother

Red Flag:
His dad locked him in a closet when he was younger.
Dealbreaker:
He just came out of the closet

Red Flag:
He’s never had a girlfriend
Dealbreaker:
He already has a girlfriend

Red Flag:
He has a tan line from a wedding ring
Dealbreaker:
He’s engaged or married

Guys, I don’t want to leave you out:

Dealbreaker:
She has a couple cats
Red Flag:
She calls them her children

Sure, the line between these two is blurry and certainly they can sometimes be interchangeable, but typically we don’t ignore dealbreakers as a rule. They leave us running whereas red flags leave us saying “Duh” in the end.

There’s a thin line between being a jealous boyfriend and being a crazy lunatic (and turning into an ex-boyfriend). We like jealous, we hate crazy.

We wander away at a bar and we get hit on? You should react. You should not read our e-mail.

We talk about a co-worker who we hang out with and who happens to be of the opposite sex? You should react. You should not dig through our trash.

We run into an old boyfriend from 8 years ago while out with you? You should react. You should not hire “Cheaters” to investigate.

My point is this: every girl wants to feel wanted. Sure, we may say – “OMG! You are acting outrageous! We’re just friends! Stop being overly jealous!” and pretend to get mad. However, deep down, we like the attention. We like that it somewhat irks you that another guy thinks we’re hot. We feel like you feel lucky and that makes us feel lucky. If you don’t react ENOUGH, we think you don’t care. Sure, you may trust us, but we like to be humored on this particular topic. Trust me.

On the other hand, however, you can cross the line and become overly jealous to the point where it’s just ridiculous. LIke, reading our e-mail. Not necessary. If you think your girl is hiding something, either you’re incredibly insecure or you really can’t trust her (you should probably call Dr. Phil in either case. Or a real psychologist). Also off the list of “okay things to do to show you care?” Jealous rages. Yelling. Freaking out. Anything that is just crazy. Leave the crazy irrational behavior to us (kidding ladies!).

So walk that thin line and let the green in you show a bit next time your girl gets attention from the opposite sex. She’ll like it. I promise.